GILBERT, W.S.

The Ghosts' High Noon

When the night wind howls in the chimney cowls, and the bat in the moonlight flies,

And inky clouds, like funeral shrouds, sail over the midnight skies —

When the footpads quail at the night-bird's wail, and black dogs bay the moon,

Then is the spectres' holiday — then is the ghosts' high noon!

As the sob of the breeze sweeps over the trees, and the mists lie low on the fen,

From grey tombstones are gathered the bones that once were women and men,

And away they go, with a mop and a mow, to the revel that ends too soon,

For cockcrow limits our holiday — the dead of the night's high noon!

And then each ghost with his ladye-toast to their churchyard beds take flight,

With a kiss, perhaps, on her lantern chaps, and a grisly grim " good night " ;

Till the welcome knell of the midnight bell rings forth its jolliest tune,

And ushers our next high holiday — the dead of the night's high noon!


The Mikado

…..
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A dull, dark dock, a life-long lock,
A short, sharp shock, a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a pestilential prison,
And awaiting the sensation
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!

…..


The Yarn of the 'Nancy Bell

'Twas on the shores that round our coast

From Deal to Ramsgate span,1

That I found alone on a piece of stone

An elderly naval man.

His hair was weedy, his beard was long,

And weedy and long was he,

And I heard this wight on the shore recite,

In a singular minor key:

"Oh, I am a cook and a captain bold,

And the mate of the Nancy brig,

And a bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite,

And the crew of the captain's gig."

And he shook his fists and he tore his hair,

Till I really felt afraid,

For I couldn't help thinking the man had been drinking,

And so I simply said:

"Oh, elderly man, it's little I know

Of the duties of men of the sea,

And I'll eat my hand if I understand

However you can be

'At once a cook, and a captain bold,

And the mate of the Nancy brig,

And a bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite,

And the crew of the captain's gig.'

Then he gave a hitch to his trousers, which

Is a trick all seamen larn,

And having got rid of a thumping quid,5

He spun this painful yarn:

"'Twas in the good ship Nancy Bell

That we sailed to the Indian Sea,

And there on a reef we come to grief,

Which has often occurred to me.

And pretty nigh all the crew was drowned

(There was seventy-seven o' soul),

And only ten of the Nancy's men

Said 'Here!' to the muster-roll.

'There was me and the cook and the captain bold,

And the mate of the Nancy brig,

And the bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite,

And the crew of the captain's gig.

'For a month we'd neither wittles6 nor drink,

Till a-hungry we did feel,

So we drawed a lot, and, accordin' shot

The captain for our meal.

'The next lot fell to the Nancy's mate,

And a delicate dish he made;

Then our appetite with the midshipmite

We seven survivors stayed.

'And then we murdered the bo'sun tight,

And he much resembled pig;

Then we wittled free, did the cook and me,

On the crew of the captain's gig.

'Then only the cook and me was left,

And the delicate question, "Which

Of us two goes to the kettle" arose,

And we argued it out as sich.

'For I loved that cook as a brother, I did,

And the cook he worshipped me;

But we'd both be blowed if we'd either be stowed

In the other chap's hold,7you see.

"I'll be eat if you dines off me, "says Tom;

'Yes, that,' says I, 'you'll be, '

'I'm boiled if I die, my friend,' quoth I;

And "Exactly so," quoth he.

'Says he," Dear James, to murder me

Were a foolish thing to do,

For don't you see that you can't cook me,

While I can and will cook you!"

'So he boils the water, and takes the salt

And the pepper in portions true

(Which he never forgot), and some chopped shalot.

And some sage and parsley too.

"Come here," says he, with a proper pride,

Which his smiling features tell,

"'T will soothing be if I let you see

How extremely nice you'll smell."

'And he stirred it round and round and round,

And he sniffed at the foaming froth;

When I ups with his heels, and smothers his squeals

In the scum of the boiling broth.

'And I eat that cook in a week or less,

And as I eating be

The last of his chops, why, I almost drops,

For a wessel in sight I see!

…..

"And I never larf, and I never smile,

And I never lark nor play,

But I sit and croak, and a single joke

I have--which is to say:

"Oh, I am a cook and a captain bold,

And the mate of the Nancy brig,

And a bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite,

And the crew of the captain's gig!"

The Bishop of Rum-ti-Foo

From east and south the holy clan

Of Bishops gathered to a man;

To Synod, called Pan-Anglican,

In flocking crowds they came.

Among them was a Bishop, who

Had lately been appointed to

The balmy isle of Rum-ti-Foo,

And Peter was his name.

His people — twenty-three in sum —

They played the eloquent tum-tum,

And lived on scalps served up, in rum —

The only sauce they knew.

When first good Bishop Peter came

(For Peter was that Bishop's name),

To humour them, he did the same

As they of Rum-ti-Foo.

His flock, I've often heard him tell,

(His name was Peter) loved him well,

And, summoned by the sound of bell,

In crowds together came.

"Oh, massa, why you go away?

Oh, Massa Peter, please to stay."

(They called him Peter, people say,

Because it was his name.)

He told them all good boys to be,

And sailed away across the sea,

At London Bridge that Bishop he

Arrived one Tuesday night;

And as that night he homeward strode

To his Pan-Anglican abode,

He passed along the Borough Road,

And saw a gruesome sight.

He saw a crowd assembled round

A person dancing on the ground,

Who straight began to leap and bound

With all his might and main.

To see that dancing man he stopped,

Who twirled and wriggled, skipped and hopped,

Then down incontinently dropped,

And then sprang up again.

The Bishop chuckled at the sight.

"This style of dancing would delight

A simple Rum-ti-Foozleite.

I'll learn it if I can,

To please the tribe when I get back."

He begged the man to teach his knack.

"Right Reverend Sir, in half a crack!

Replied that dancing man.

The dancing man he worked away,

And taught the Bishop every day —

The dancer skipped like any fay —

Good Peter did the same.

The Bishop buckled to his task,

With Battements, and Pas de Basque.

(I'll tell you, if you care to ask,

That Peter was his name.)

"Come, walk like this," the dancer said,

"Stick out your toes — stick in your head,

Stalk on with quick, galvanic tread —

Your fingers thus extend;

The attitude's considered quaint."

The weary Bishop, feeling faint,

Replied, "I do not say it ain't,

But 'Time!' my Christian friend!"

"We now proceed to something new —

Dance as the Paynes and Lauris do,

Like this — one, two — one, two — one, two."

The Bishop, never proud,

But in an overwhelming heat

(His name was Peter, I repeat)

Performed the Payne and Lauri feat,

And puffed his thanks aloud.

Another game the dancer planned -

"Just take your ankle in your hand,

And try, my lord, if you can stand -

Your body stiff and stark.

If, when revisiting your see,

You learnt to hop on shore - like me -

The novelty would striking be,

And must attract remark."

"No," said the worthy Bishop, "no;

That is a length to which, I trow,

Colonial Bishops cannot go.

You may express surprise

At finding Bishops deal in pride -

But if that trick I ever tried,

I should appear undignified

In Rum-ti-Foozle's eyes.

"The islanders of Rum-ti-Foo

Are well-conducted persons, who

Approve a joke as much as you,

And laugh at it as such;

But if they saw their Bishop land,

His leg supported in his hand,

The joke they wouldn't understand -

'T would pain them very much!"